I want to au pair, not be au-prisoned: host family red flags

Finding an au pair family can be scary and hard, which is why many agencies claim they can help match you. I understand the temptation to use an agency to simplify the process. However, I really don’t think they’re necessary if you want to au pair in Europe.

(If you want to au pair in the USA, that’s a different story. You are legally required to use an agency. This is extremely expensive, and it’s just another reason I’m grateful that I was ♫born to be an American♫.)

If you have the money and want to use an agency, go for it! If, like me, you’re dirt poor and prefer to handle things yourself, then it’s crucial to find a family you can trust.

Here’s how not to get “Taken”.

When I first told my parents I wanted to be an au pair, my dad immediately asked, “Have you seen the movie Taken?” For those who haven’t, it’s about a girl who goes to Paris and gets kidnapped.

“Yes, Dad, I’ve seen Taken.” Massive eye roll.

Unfortunately, he’s right to worry. There are a LOT of scams in Paris, which is why it’s essential to use the proper tools.

I found my host family on aupairworld.com. The families there pay to be on the site and go through a background check before their profiles are approved. I strongly caution against using Facebook to find a host family. While it may be tempting because of the many enticing offers, I swear to God, most of them are scams. I don’t know what it is about scammers and Facebook, but just don’t do it. If you look at the profiles of people posting these jobs, they’re often brand new with no other posts. SCAM!

There’s another website, aupair.com. I tried to use it, but something about it just gives me the ick. It doesn’t seem as safe, and it’s not as user-friendly as aupairworld.com.

So just save yourself the trouble and use aupairworld. (Think they’ll sponsor me for this? That would be cool.)

Host Family Profiles

Don’t entertain any families that:

• Don’t provide any information on the site and ask you to message them off-site.
• Don’t have any photos.
• Offer a salary or job that seems too good to be true.
• Are looking for something other than an au pair, like a full-time or travel nanny.
• Don’t provide specifics about the job.
• Ask you to pay a fee for ANY reason.

The biggest red flag

If a family is unwilling to do a video call, that’s an immediate red flag. You MUST have a video call with the host family before moving halfway across the world to live with them. Ideally, you should meet the kids over video call, too. If you can, get a tour of the house and your room to ensure everything is in order.

I had dozens of video calls with my host family, which helped me confirm they were legitimate. I even matched up the interior of their house from our video calls to the exterior on Google Maps. The front door had the same wacky window style, so I knew they weren’t lying. Not that I really thought they were, but still – don’t wanna be “Taken,” do I?

You should also never transfer money to the host family without good reason.

I say “almost,” because I actually did transfer money to my host family for the pre-registration fee for a French language school, so I could have that certificate for my visa.

Tee hee.

I didn’t need to do this; I could have paid it myself and had my host mom reimburse me for the half we agreed upon. But I felt more comfortable having her book it for me after months of video calls.

The same goes for agencies. Sometimes scammers claim they can help you obtain a visa. Listen, no one can help you get the visa except you, yourself, and your host family a little bit. These scammers might ask you for money to pay the visa officers or something.

Just don’t do it! If you’re unsure about something, leave me a comment, and I can help you figure it out quickly.

The job of an au pair

Your job as an au pair is primarily to care for the kids. You can be asked to:

• Cook meals for the children
• Take the kids to school and activities and pick them up
• Do the children’s laundry
• Clean the kids’ rooms
• Entertain the kids
• Run errands for the children
• Contribute to daily household tasks (like doing the dishes)
• Babysit so the parents can go on a date

Host families CANNOT ask you to:

• Cook food just for the parents
• Do the parents’ laundry
• Clean any area that isn’t related to the kids
• Go grocery shopping for the whole family
• Run errands for the parents
• Watch the kids alone for a weekend while the parents go on vacation
• Work more than 25-30 hours a week without extra pay
• Watch kids under 3 years old full time (they must show proof of attending daycare)
• Do anything sexual with them (duh)
• Take care of family pets
• Work seven days a week (you must have at least one day off)

Everyone breaks the rules

There’s a lot of gray area when you’re an au pair.

For example, I’ve broken a lot of the rules I just listed above. What can I say? I’m a teensy tiny bit hypocritical. For instance, I offered to deep clean my host family’s house because it was a mess, and I personally didn’t want to live in that clutter. But what’s important is that I offered, and they never asked me to do it. They were clear that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to.

I only did it because I genuinely wanted to help. I was also more than happy to do their laundry when it was tossed in with the kids’ clothes, go grocery shopping, and take care of the turtle. I frequently cooked dinner for the whole family, as that’s how it was structured.

I am just SO nice.

All of the ways my host families DID abuse the rules:

Welcome to the tea party where I’ll be spilling it all over the place because I’m a bit clumsy like that. Oopsies.

Personally, host families have asked me to:

• Work 35 hours a week without extra pay
• Go unpaid for two weeks every two months while they went on vacation
• Work on Sundays for special occasions (when I was already working the other six days)
• Lie to the next au pair about my pay so they could pay her less
• Attach an Apple AirTag to my keys so they could track them
• Not go on dates during my free time
• Not spend the night elsewhere (again, on the weekend during my free time— they were very upset that I planned to spend the night with a friend)

Stories I’ve heard from other au pairs include:

• Taking care of a child with severe special needs – without advance warning
• Walking the family dog
• Sharing a room with a family member
• Not being paid for food or groceries
• Being told what to wear
• Deep cleaning the house
• Not being compensated for their work

These tasks are all not legally allowed.

A few more pieces of advice: As an au pair, you are allowed to have free time and it is just as important as the families! You do not have to drop everything and accept to work last-minute. If you have dinner plans with your friends, your host family has no say.

I struggled with this. I assumed because I didn’t have anything REALLY important going on, that it meant I had to do everything my host familiy asked of me. If they wanted me to babysit last minute, I would cancel plans to see my friends. This made me a little sad and I wish I had stood up for myself earlier.

The French government website doesn’t do the best job of explaining this stuff. It simply states that au pairs look after children and do light housework. Unfortunately, many host families genuinely misunderstand the purpose of an au pair, which is where the confusion arises.

For au pairs, the job is advertised as a cultural exchange. A way to live abroad for free without having to worry about typical expenses like groceries or insurance. For families, an au pair is advertised as cheap bilingual child care. Most families have little interest in the cultural exchange aspect.

This can make it easy for au pairs to get taken advantage of and feel pressured into doing tasks they don’t want to, because they want to please their families. It’s a tricky situation when your housing is tied to your employment.

I’m no stranger to this dynamic. I was a resident assistant in college and later lived and worked at the same apartment complex, so it wasn’t entirely new for me. However, even I understand how stressful it can be to live with your employer.

If you have any wild stories about crazy host families, I want to hear about them in the comments below!

---

• ShareCopied to clipboard

RELATED: I want to find a good host family.